Volume 14: Pete back in Europe Part 2
Day 3 - London
I left the hotel at 11am and swung by Warwicks hotel with the plan to have farewell lunch and beers as he was heading back home up North to Harrogate in the afternoon.
Warwick had been talking to some mates the day before who were pumping up a place called the Red Dog Saloon for food, so the plan was to head there. Life often throws sliding door moments your way, for us it was to choose between the restaurant at Hoxton or the one in Soho. We chose Soho as figured there would be more post lunch drink options; that turned out to be the sliding doors moment that would ruin our lives (well at least for an hour, and when I say ruin, probably more an annoying inconvenience).
Warwick had left me in charge of directions to find the Red Dog Saloon, which was probably as poor a judgement as leaving an infant in charge of all your matches & petrol. Sure I’d opened Google Maps, but had enough false confidence to think I didn’t need to use the directions feature. We eventually found the restaurant with the sort of misguided luck that sees a 17 year old virgin boy stumble across the clitoris the first time he’s with a woman; a lot of luck and aiming in the general vicinity.
I assume his mates meant the Hoxton Red Dog Saloon because at the Soho one your greeted by someone as if you’ve broken into their house and by someone with no concept of inventory management.
Can I have a coke? Sorry, we have no coke.
Okay, I’ll have an Arnold Palmer. Sorry, we have no lemonade.
Let me have Red Dog tap beer then. Sorry, we have no Red Dog beer.
Okay, how about a Brooklyn Lager? Sorry, we have no Brooklyn lager.
They did have an abundance of ice in your drink (when they found some beverage in stock) and abundance of government inspectors suggesting they clean restaurant as witnessed by a stern looking gentleman holding a clipboard entered the restaurant after we ordered. And as the waiter went through this vast list of things they did not have, she kept saying “it’s Sunday. Comeback tomorrow and it will be fine”.
Comeback Monday? Fair chance you’ll be out of business by then. Oh, and did I mention they failed to deliver our chicken wings & nachos? The only upside was I didn’t vomit. 1 star.
After lunch we walked for a while until finding our way by chance to The Moon Under the Water for farewell beers at Leicester square. This pub was a part of the Wetherspoons family, a dysfunctional family at best. At a Wetherspoons the chief clientele are chronic alcoholics, chronic unemployed and those with a chronic number of convictions. At our table they had some random publication called “Wetherspoon news”. Most likely a lot of vomiting and bad life decisions followed by domestic violence was the news of the day.
I bid farewell to Warwick sometime after 3pm and headed to Embankment, eventually found myself enjoying a pint at Tattershall Castle boat looking at the London Eye. Beers on boats looking at famous landmarks; essential part of tour life. Also purchased another pint at Princess of Wales as a way of saying thanks for letting me use your toilet.
At Embankment station a bloke whose lived in London all his life asked me tube directions. Again, a person assuming I know this city.
On the District and Circle lines is a stop called Mansion House. Naming a place like that just sounds like a pissing contest between 3 blokes.
Bloke #1: I live in a house
Bloke #2: I live in a mansion
Bloke #3: Well…I live in a mansion house
Aldgate East station was closed due to staff shortage/can’t be fucked working on weekend so I got off at Tower Hill & walked back to the hotel.
For some reason I was crossing the road at traffic lights with no confidence. We both drive on the same side of road, but I’m still over cautious. I blame the look left & look right signs painted on the road as being distracting and imagine most pedestrians in this city are hit by a car whilst looking down.
On the way back I popped in for a pint at the Dog & Truck Stuckney. In there the bar maid was a real cockney and constantly pronounced “thing” as “fing”. Given Asians also have trouble saying thing and often say “sing”, it may be time the English language abandoned words starting with “th”. These are the things/fings/sings you contemplate over a pint.
It was quiet in there, so I retired at the hotel for any early night.
Day 4 - London
Tour life is all about expanding your mind (no I’m not talking about taking LCD) so I headed off to the Natural History Museum.
As I entered I laughed at the £5 donation suggestion, knowing most British museums are filled with stolen items from far off lands so in a way I would be aiding & abetting criminal behavior if I donated. That being said, I did put all the loose change I had in my pocket in to donate, more just because I didn’t want to carry it anymore which was received with a loud “thank you” from a female museum employee. I’m still not sure if that was a sarcastic thank you cheap bastard or legitimate thank you.
You don’t have to travel too far in the main hall to find the Charles Darwin statue, it’s one of the things you first see sitting on the stairs. Judging by the look on his face studying evolution is not a job that is a bunch of laughs.
Also in the first hall is a statue of Alfred Russel Wallace (which initially looks like he’s holding a stop sign working as a council worker). Wallace is said to have come up with his own theory of evolution at the same time as Darwin, but it’s Darwin who gets all the credit. You can imagine that scenario.
Wallace: what do you reckon about this theory I’ve got where species hand down their features across generations and thousands of years?
Darwin: yeah I totally came up with that last night. Let’s publish it at same time and share credit
And you just know Darwin probably hadn’t, just like when you worked on a school group project and there was always a kid that contributed bugger all but got the same grade as everyone else in the group.
One of the first exhibits I saw was the mineral section which looked like what inspired Superman movies as there were kryptonite looking minerals & that glass shard thing Superman throws to create the fortress of solitude.
As I continued on I walked past a display case filled with birds, including a small feature of 2 small rosters being stood over by a giant cock (bird, not human phallus). Darwin you cheeky bastard! He’d used the power of his knowledge of evolution to dominate the cock fighting game. Genius.
Towards the exit of the museum was a human evolution display, but given the current level of intelligence in the human race I imagine won’t be long until we see a de-evolution display, which will feature mannequins watching Keeping up with Kardashians.
Once outside the museum you’ll notice a Church of Latter Day Saints opposite, keeping up the good fight against evolution. I ain’t from no dirty stinking ape!
I continued on to Hyde Park. It’s here the world fuel crisis is highlighted by a shortage of fuel for the parks ride on mowers as vast parts of grounds had 1 to 2 foot high grass. As I approached the round pond I could hear off in the distance a crazy fat French bloke shouting “oh, you Australianne. You look good”. He wasn’t talking to anyone directly, but just kept shouting the phrase over and over again while walking at a steady pace (if your mind can’t be healthy, at least try to get your body healthy). I assumed some Aussie ploughed his missus (who’d said that phrase to her forbidden Aussie lover) and he hasn’t been the same since.
I had a beer at Serpentine lake after 4 hours on my feet, and then exited the park & got another couple at the Rose & Crown to keep my fluids up. As I enjoyed that beer I overheard some geezer (think Lock Stock and 2 smoking barrels) questioning the barmen about some drunk disorderly behavior the night before. As the geezer left he said “you didn’t see me”. The barmen then rushed outside all flustered & power smoked a cigarette in like 15 seconds. Knowing you might be knee capped has that sort of impact on people.
At the Rose & Crown I’d heard some Canadians talking, so that inspired me to go get a couple of pint at the Maple Leaf near Convent Garden, where I enjoyed an authentic Canadian beer called Guinness.
That wasn’t really pumping so decided to head back to the hotel, before stopping at Subway to get something to eat. There was only one other customer in line before me, a 20 something male, but just to annoy me kept talking to his parents more times than there are NBA timeouts in the last 2 minutes of a game. These conversations where not of such significance that they couldn’t wait until after the 1 minute it would take to complete his order. Annoying twat!
Another early night for this old man.
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